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BRASS JOKES


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How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

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What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?

I don't know either.

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Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? 
A: A tattoo. 

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Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? 
A: About three decibels. 

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Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? 
A: Drive-by trombone solos. 

Q: What is another term for trombone? 
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. 

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Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? 
A: On or off. 

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Q: Why do people play trombone? 
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. 

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Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw. 

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Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving? 
A: The policeman 

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Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" 
Friend: "I hope so."

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What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

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How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. I'm better than you."

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How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?

The doorbell shrieks!

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Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?

He's too sensitive.

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In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

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What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

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How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?

1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

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How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.

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What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

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What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?

A optimist.

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What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

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How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

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How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?

His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

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How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

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What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

"Year-At-A-Glance."

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How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?

He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

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What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.

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It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

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How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?

Have them miss every other note.

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How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune a '57 Chevy.

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What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?

A goalpost that can't march.

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How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

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Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

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How do horn players traditionally greet each other?

1. "Hi. I played that last year."

2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

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A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

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What's the range of a tuba?

Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

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How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

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What's a tuba for?

1-1/2" by 3-1/2" unless you request "full cut."



[ Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1-1/2 inches by 3-1/2 inches.]

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How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue.

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These two tuba players walk past a bar...

Well, it could happen!

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